Looking Back on 2015

Happy New Year!   
   It is ridiculously strange how one year can change your whole life around. Sitting here reminiscing on the year that just flew by, I feel almost like a completely new person. Started 2015 being five months pregnant and feeling my first kicks from my unknown boy or girl growing strong inside me. I was anxious and excited to be a mommy, and now I'm an "experienced" mother of a seven month old baby boy. There were so many questions and nervous unknowns cycling through my head when we started 2015.

• What would my natural labor be like?
• Am I having a boy or girl?
• What would being a new mother to a baby feel like? Come natural? How do you change a diaper? Will I get cloth diapering figured out?
• How am I going to juggle part-time work and being a mother? How were we going to be financially stable?
• How is Justin and my relationship going to change with a new family member? How will he react around a newborn? 

What would my natural labor be like? 
        After I found out I was pregnant, Justin and I needed to answer the first big question, go natural or use the beloved epidural. It is so hard to think naturally when everyone around you does the medicated version. The first pregnancy educational book we read quickly determined the necessity of going natural for us. The Nourishing Traditions Book of Baby and Child Care by Sally Fallon was the most informative book I read about pregnancy and labor procedures. Very detailed about prepping your body before even getting pregnant, ultrasounds and vitamin K shots, even to the first years after having your baby.
       You can only arm yourself so much with research and preparation work leading up to your labor. Every woman's body is going to have a unique take on labor. Read ten different labor stories, you will see ten different births. It's really all over the board. From excruciating pain to only minor cramps, going through three hours of first stage labor to it taking 24 hours, and from water breaking hours before starting labor to not breaking at all. I couldn't get out of my head the question of what my personal labor would be like; all I could do was go into it with a positive, determined attitude.
       That attitude and the help of my support team, my husband, best friend, and midwife, got me through an incredible labor that was the hardest thing I have physically done but also the most rewarding. If you want to read my whole labor story, you can start at  My Natural Labor Story: How it all Began. Looking back on it, I have come to the conclusion that if you are healthy and have no pregnancy complications, I believe know any determined, strong woman can do a healthy, natural labor. The extreme benefits of it on you and your baby is wholly worth the few hours of intense struggle.


Is it a boy or girl?

      I DESPISE the anticipation of surprises but I LOVE being surprised. Go figure... Justin was very adamant on waiting to know the sex until after I pushed our baby out. It was a struggle for me to not know what was growing inside me. I always pray for patience, so I think God always gives me chances to practice it. It did help that we had chosen not to do any ultrasounds (as of course we did more research on the procedure and realized if you are healthy and young, there is no reason to put more stress on your baby through ultrasounds).
      One of the hardest parts of waiting is that EVERYONE has an idea of what your baby has to be. It always brought me to laughter the predictions and each person's opinion counter-predicting the next. All it did was play mind games with me as my tummy grew and my body took on a new shape it had never seen before. I discovered after the fact the many benefits waiting had brought. First it was great to not have everyone at my baby shower give me gender specific baby clothes, but gratefully received the needed equipment for my first baby. Second, the huge desire to find out what my precious baby was helped with my motivation to not give up at the end of  labor. Third, the desire to have a baby girl, then a baby boy kept switching inside me. I had reasons to really want either as the first born. I kept changing my preferences. Right as my baby boy Cedric came out, I knew that he was what God knew I needed as my first born. Never had to second guess it as I snuggled with my beautiful and perfect newborn on my chest.

If you are up in the air on if you would try for a surprise, I recommend it. I will most likely

 leave it up to surprise for all my pregnancies.

What would being a new mother to a baby feel like? Come natural? How do you change a diaper? Will I get cloth diapering figured out?
       When I was prepared as best as I could for my labor, that nervousness dwindled. Afterwards I was shocked with a sudden angst to the postpartum time. I'd not had much practice with babies, I was the youngest in my family, and one of the youngest of my cousins. I'd babysat ten times at most, and changed a whopping one diaper. Yes, just one. I was glad that I had the opportunity to hold my nephew and watch him grow for the previous two years which did help some.

 But would I know how to take care of MY OWN baby?! Alone with my husband?!

      Yes, that first week was really tough. You are completely sleep-deprived and holding this tiny infant wondering why he is crying after you have put a clean diaper and fed him. I doubted my abilities from the start. This poor baby has to have ME for a mother, I know nothing! Thankfully I was living two houses down from my mom, and she was a lifesaver, encouraging me that I was doing fine and helping my drained, sleepless body cope. It is amazing how women really do have this natural nurturing feel. After getting through the first month (with grateful help from family and friends), I felt pretty good with figuring out the whole mom business.

Hey, hadn't dropped the kid yet! 

      The one thing that was weird is it took me a few months to really realize I AM a mother and have a SON. I must have been on robot-tired mode of getting through one day at a time with a baby attached to me. 

      Disposable diapers were a no-brainer (for the beginning). With a boy you just had to watch out for the times you get shot at while changing. I did have this huge fear of cloth diapers, so I went two whole months on disposables until I finally did it. I have one-size-fits-all cloth diapers, and with newborns, they are so tiny we really need to invest in a few newborn sizes for next time. Took a few trial and errors to get down no leaks and nighttime diaper differences, but when you figure it out, it's a no-brainer too! And the money you save! Cuts down the expensives of a baby extremely.

Phew, besides the dreaded no sleep, I knew I would be able to get this whole
 mothering under control!

 How am I going to juggle part-time work and being a mother? How were we going to be financially stable?
       This question was the one that kept tearing my insides apart as the days ticked closer to my due date. There was going to be no way I couldn't work, Justin had a part-time job and in the middle of studying for his master's degree. I never ever wanted to be a working mother. I feel God has strongly given me the desire to be a wife and mother as a career. Justin and I have talked over and over again how WE want to raise our children. Getting pregnant so early into our marriage, the possibility seemed obsolete.

       I kept hearing my mom whisper in my ear, "You are going to be so uncomfortable nursing and working, there is no way you will be able to do it". That didn't help my already desire to NOT work. I know she meant well, but if someone didn't help, it was useless to consider. Why must money be so significant in life at times?!

       Thank God for his plan in our lives that never cross our thoughts before. We had the opportunity to move into Justin's parents home, as we are in this limbo year of finishing up school. Yes, it is nothing we planned for, but it gave me the opportunity to stay with my newborn. Now the benefit of having Mimi (Cedric's paternal grandma) to help me with Cedric -- who NEVER wants to be alone -- has been extremely helpful. I have no idea or even want to consider how I would of taken care of him alone when Justin was at work.

      Financially stable? No, not really at all. That is still really hard to deal with, you never want to have to be helped financially when you're grown up. We try to focus on the benefits and gratitude of family help and continue to strive for our financial stability. I laugh how plans never turn out how you have thought, and luckily I am good at going with the flow and seeing where the journey of life takes my family and me.

How is Justin and my relationship going to change with a new family member? How will he react around a newborn?

      I think it's hilarious how some couples think that having a baby will strengthen their marriage. HA! Okay, that is semi-true, but holy smokes Batman! It REALLY puts a lot on a relationship.

Two words: sleep deprivation.

     If you have ever been extremely sleep deprived, you know it does not make you a happy camper. Justin and I are no exception. 

      I am grateful that we have built up a strong bond the last five years of dating, and really knew each other. So even though we were tired and grumpy, it was not going to affect our bond. We both had to team together to try and figure out  how to take care of this adorable, tiny newborn we had created. Justin was such a awesome husband as I was so tired and unable to do anything besides hold Cedric the first few weeks. He cooked me meals and made sure I was hydrated. I think it's hard for new fathers the first couple of months. I don't know if it's just Cedric, but all he wanted was his mother. So I was grateful that Justin helped with how he could, with meal preparations and cleaning.

      I knew Justin was great with kids, I mean, he works at Legoland, but he never has been around newborns either. It was one of my favorite moments when Justin held Cedric for the first time the night he was delivered. I knew it would be hard from the start, but that we were going to figure this parenting thing out. When Cedric hit four months, there was this complete change and Cedric couldn't stop staring at his Daddy. Ever since then they have had this adorable bond that makes my heart so happy.

      It's great to look back and laugh at how you wanted/thought the year was going to be like, and what God ACTUALLY had planned for you. It usually ends with thanking God for making his plan coming to fruition and not the idiotic dreams you thought were best.

Beginning and end of 2015

        As I now contemplate this year, 2016, my main focus is prayer. Even though we can look back on how God's plan is best, our human nature is to still want OUR plans and desires to happen. There is so much up in the air this year with Justin finishing his master's degree and figuring out his career job, that it could make us very stressed. So prayer and encouragement is what we aim for in the months to come!

Thank you Lord for having our life planned out already and for knowing what is best for our family.

    Questions for the New Year we still have:

• What will happen after Justin gets his Master's Degree this summer? Will he find a providing job? 
• Are we going to be financially stable to be on our own by the end of the year?
• Homesteading? Our huge desire, what will it look like for us this year? 
• How will Cedric be as he changes from a baby into a little toddler? 
• And the big one, am I going to be able to get through this year without getting pregnant again?! ;)

Do you ever ponder what was going on in your head at the beginning of the year? Or see how much growth or change in your life has occurred?